CAN YOU HEAR IT?
“Whoever has ears, let him hear”
Jesus
Jesus used those words dozens of times in the scriptures when he was teaching. I don’t think he was concerned about the Vincent VanGoghs of the world. He was speaking to a much deeper reality.
It’s possible to take in soundwaves through your ear canal, have them register on your ear drum and never actually hear what the other person is saying. We then make up all kinds of things about the other person based on what we think we heard. Abracadabra – division.
So much of our breakdown today is this: not hearing one another. Here are some listening questions that will help you create an atmosphere of listening:
CAN I REPEAT BACK WHAT THEY SAID WITHOUT MY SPIN OR SNARK?
I have had many heated conversations with Marla, and she has asked me what I am hearing. There have been several times where my response has been, “you’re saying that I am a bad husband” or “I’m a horrible father.” If you know my wife, you know that those words would never come from her mouth.
Half of the listening battle is being able to repeat back what was said. That may sound like counseling 101, but the next part is critical: without the spin or snark.
There is what was said, there is the tone it was said with, and there is the attitude of heart behind it. We know the first two, and guess on the third. When we are able separate the words and tone from our guess about the intention, listening opens up. It actually starts firing the creativity centers of your brain, rather than the judgment and defense parts.
Also, remember that you always have an attitude that is connected to and impacts your listening! Being aware of all of this will be incredibly supportive in actually hearing one another.
NEXT TIME TRY: “Here’s what I hear you are saying: _____. Here is what I think your intention behind saying that is: _____. Am I off?”
CAN I EMPATHIZE WITH THEIR LOGIC, PERSPECTIVE OR CONCLUSION?
Many people believe that if they empathize with a certain perspective, it means they are agreeing with it or making it right. Empathy is not synonymous with agreement.
I know this may sound crazy in our divisive political climate, but I don’t believe there are hundreds of millions of sociopaths, Nazis, extreme socialists, bigots, etc. in America today. I believe there are a lot of people that want to make the world a better place and have different ideas on how to get there. If I am able to hear the underlying desire behind someone’s communication, there’s greater room for negotiation on the “how.” If I am able to empathize with that desire, we have a path to unity.
I’ve found that most conservatives, at the core, really just want freedom honored.
I’ve found that most liberals, at the core, really just want human dignity honored.
If you cannot understand the deeper desire behind the communication, how they came to that conclusion, and consider that they might not be a monster for their desires, then you are going to have a hard time moving forward together.
Remember, there is a whole group of people out there who think you are a monster for your thoughts, beliefs and conclusions as well. Are you a monster?
NEXT TIME TRY: “Here’s what I heard you say: _____. What I think I hear you really want to see is: _____. Am I off?”
AM I ABLE TO DECIPHER BETWEEN WHAT I AGREE WITH AND DISAGREE WITH?’
This one takes some mature listening skills, and a lot of laying down your ego. Or brain likes neat categories. So, when we listen we are often sorting everything and everyone into nice and neat boxes.
That is bad.
This is good.
That is right.
This is wrong.
Often in our listening, we hear one thing we disagree with, and everything (including the speaker) gets put into the “bad and wrong” box. This makes life easy, but it also creates massive amounts of unnecessary division.
Agreeing with some of a person’s ideas doesn’t mean you endorse their whole agenda. Find what works for you and work through what doesn’t. Again, you’ll have to lay down some of your ego, especially if the other person isn’t willing to do the same.
NEXT TIME TRY: “Here’s what I heard you say: _____. Here’s what I agree with: _____. Here is what I disagree with: _____.”
AM I ABLE TO COMMUNICATE THE ACTUAL EMOTION THAT IS BEING EVOKED IN ME?
Our emotions color our listening. When we find ourselves in listening conflicts, we often grab onto primal emotions. This is usually anger, and that anger often shuts down the majority of our listening capabilities. There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. Anger can be a great blunt force tool, but may not be what is needed in the moment to move forward.
Also, while anger may be ONE emotion you are experiencing, it’s helpful to pause, check-in, and notice what other emotions are going on for you. I find that most people are very unpracticed with this. I keep this handy emotion chart on my phone:
Am I feeling nervous? Humiliated? Rejected? Vulnerable? Inferior? Fragile?
Taking a time out to notice what you are actually feeling and then communicating it can be really helpful in a moment when you notice your listening closing down. When you are aware of what you are actually feeling, you can proceed with a deeper conversation, uninterrupted by the blunt force of just anger.
Also, don’t be a victim to your feelings. It’s not helpful to say to the other, “you’re making me feel this way.” You’re just having an emotional response that is not anyone’s fault.
NEXT TIME TRY: “Hey, right now I am feeling _____. Can we take a second to explore why I am feeling that way?” or “Can we just table this conversation until tomorrow?”
AM I STILL ABLE TO BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT THIS PERSON?
This is connected to the empathy question. Have you ever experienced this internal listening progression?
“I disagree with that idea” which turns into…
“I disagree with them” which turns into…
“They are stupid” which turns into…
“Their ignorance makes them a bad person” which turns into…
“they are a practically a serial killer!”
Of course, there is a rare time and place to choose to end toxic relationships. However, notice how quickly your listening goes down that rabbit hole, or a similar one. If you notice your listening moving you to a place where you can no longer believe the best for or about the person speaking, it’s time for a tune-up.
NEXT TIME TRY: “Hey, can I pause and tell you something I appreciate about you” or “I know we’re in this breakdown, but I want to remind you that I am for you!”
There’s a reason the scriptures tell us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. If we have any hope of moving forward together, all of us will continue to refine our listening, so that we might actually be able to hear one another.
